The Wedding

Back in March, my mother decided to get out of here for awhile.  It was a vacation, a needed break.  A MUCH needed break for all of us.  See, the amount of change required of a family, even a close-knit family like we are, increases the stress level and potential for depression.  You know this.  This is not a new thing... that changes have dogged our heels for a long time now and stress and sadness had become a daily grind.

So, mom took the opportunity to just get away for a bit.  Or so she thought.

As she reconnected with all of her friends in Arizona, there was a surprise that the Lord had in store for her.

Let me introduce Grandpa B...and well, you already know Mom/Grandma.

Mom was already pretty good friends with Grandpa B.  See, he and his wife had parked their motorhome across the street from Mom and Daddy's 5th wheel and they had all been friends.  When Daddy died (over 3 years ago, which is still a surprise to me), Grandpa B and his wife had helped a lot.  A little over a year ago, Grandpa B lost his wife suddenly.  Both Mom and Grandpa B retreated to the safety of their homes (Mom in Texas, Grandpa B to the great northwest) as they mourned and tried to move forward in their lives.

Truth be told, they were both still mourning when they met in Arizona a few months ago.  But God had a plan.  Mom has said for a long time that if the Lord wanted her married He'd have to drop a man in her lap.  Ha Ha, silly Mom, challenging the Creator of the heavens and the earth that way....aren't you cute?

Neither of them SHOULD have been in Arizona.  Mom just needed a break and decided to visit my aunt and uncle who have been staying in her 5th wheel.  Grandpa Bob decided to visit his brother and sister-in-law in the park at the same time.  Really?

And then, they met again after all this time.  To hear it told, it was a little like a bolt from the blue.  SHAZZAAM! (I hope you heard that in my southern belle voice...it has at least 3 syllables...SHA ZZA IM).  They went out on a date...in a convertible Thunder-bird.  Well played, Grandpa Bob.  Chicks dig Thunder-birds and convertibles.

Anyway, in just over seven WEEKS they were married.  Yes, I said married.  They wanted to get started living their lives, traveling together, and enjoying all the perks of married life.  And they had little grand girl eyes on them.  Call it old fashioned, but honestly, I am so blessed to witness them sticking to their convictions in this crazy world. 

The wedding was tiny...just us and a few friends and the pastor.  Then we all went to Scottie P's (cuz we were HUNGRY, duh) and then on to the beautiful party that was thrown by our community group at church.  It was perfect.  Short, sweet, loving.  Just the thing to kick off a life.

People keep asking, "But how are you?"  It's funny sometimes.  How am I?  I miss my best friend who I got to live with again for awhile, it's definitely lonelier here.  AND the dishes aren't completely done nearly as quickly.  But I would not, for even a second, have her anywhere but exactly where she is.  Loving a man who loves her and understands her hurts, because he has his own.  He understands her faith, because he has his own.  He really is a wonderful gift to our whole family because he is such a gift to her.

But even more, I am humbled by my Lord who would make a way for both of them at exactly the right time, in exactly the right way to be so incredibly blessed.

Shortly after the wedding they took off to travel the country and now I wait for the daily afternoon texts that sparkle with the joy of her new life, sharing their location and always some funny little thing that has delighted her.  So incredibly blessed.

In the spirit of constant learning and growing I have started a list of "Things I couldn't possibly have unless God dropped them in my LAP!"  I figure, it couldn't hurt.

See ya around...

Life in a Hotel...

--- This was written during our time at the hotel.  Normally I would back date it, and may in the future, but blogger has changed a few things and I can't seem to find the date.  Possibly, I'll push the publish button and it will date it to the day I wrote it...but if not...before you read...Know this was written in October of 2012...the terrible month. ---

Well, part of our journey has been moving all the stuff we use on a daily basis into our hotel room.

Ha!  That's actually kind of funny in retrospect.  Seriously, right now, look around your house and pick 30 things that you use on a daily basis.  There are some standard things that you just aren't going to forget...for instance...I wasn't going to forget a tea cup...school books (well most of them anyway)...my laptop.  But there are these things...that you only sometimes use on a daily basis...my coat, for instance, that I didn't even MISS until last week when it dropped into the 40s at night...or various vitamins or medications that you only USE if someone gets sick or bit by a big old green bug and it leaves a huge welt and two puncture wounds on your child...but I digress...we've forgotten a few things.  Thankfully, we live in civilization and so far there hasn't been anything forgotten that couldn't be replaced.  But there have been a few, "Did you remembers?" and each one has caused varying degrees of inconvenience.

But after over a month, I have to say honestly that we haven't missed much...not in terms of stuff.

We have missed our freedom...our ability to run right out the door and visit friends...or to open the door and let the poor dog out (he is averse to pooping on a leash, poor thing).  I've missed being able to have a phone conversation...and OH how I've missed being able to cook bigger things without setting off the smoke alarm...it's a freedom that I didn't even realize existed until this hotel.

I would like to say that missing all these things has helped us to grow new and wonderful skills.  Sadly, not as many as I'd hoped.  I fear we've watched a little too much T.V. and fallen back on electronics a little too much.  I've been struggling for months with so many things, and I'm afraid that my imagination is shot.  Where I used to see adventure, I often see drudgery.  It's not a good direction, frankly.

But there have been some lessons learned here...the hard ones...the ones no one wants to have to learn.

I've learned that not every thought is worth unpacking.  Seriously.  We are collectively broken right now.  And we have been for awhile.  Sometimes we look pretty normal and we've always been good at smiling.  But underneath it, there is a disillusionment in every one of us.  The shocked, "Well, that's not what was supposed to happen" that overwhelms us often.  The first week that the girls were back home to me was really difficult, because I hadn't come to this truth yet.  And one thing I'm VERY good at is talking.  And with every tear, or bit of  anger...there came this big discussion.  I've learned that sometimes just shutting up is the answer...sometimes the bubble has to burst and then, in a minute, everyone is ready to move on.  I've also learned the MOST of the crazy emotions are lies.  We are not ALWAYS going to be in a hotel.  Our WHOLE life doesn't stink.  We are not ALWAYS going to miss every event. 

I've learned to sleep well here.  But it took first learning to turn off the T.V.  And then learning that just because I'd had a terrifying dream, I WAS okay and to purposefully think of something else.  I also learned that when I couldn't shut off my mind, I needed to write.  Write an email to a friend...Write a blog post I never intended to share...Write in my journal.  I learned through many moments of waking thinking I was in my own home...that THIS is not that home...THIS will never be that home...I will NEVER have that home again.  And I had to cry...and be angry...and plead with God.  And then, finally, I had to realize that home is NOT a building or a bed...it's a heart and it's the family...and while my heart was a little shredded...these girls...my mommy...me...WE are home...no matter where we are...what we eat...how we sleep...We are home.  And all of a sudden, I got it, and that was enough and I could sleep.  I've slept better in the last 3 weeks in this hotel than I'd slept in the last 7-8 years.

See ya around...

February 3, 2011...One Year Without My Dad.

Huh. This one is long.

I've been thinking about this particular blog post for awhile. What do I say? My sentimental nature doesn't let me let it pass by without comment...but what.should.I.say?

This has been an incredible year. Really. In all my years so far...it has been the hardest I've passed.

This is the year I lost my dad...and late in this year I realized that I'd actually lost 7 friends/family in 18 months.

This is the year I grieved with my mom.

This is the year that I've had the most health struggles, whooping cough, broken rib, unexplained fatigue, heart freak-outs, girlie stuff and that doesn't include health issues with my kids.

This is the year that Bubba and I have struggled the most to find each other and actually considered what might happen if we couldn't.

This is the year we experienced the heartbreak of leaving a church that we loved.

But you know what...as hard as this year has been...I think I've witnessed more miracles and joys specifically from the Lord than I ever have before.

When Dad died, I got to be part of an incredible community of friends and family the week of the memorial. We had somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 family members join us in Arizona from all over the United States and an entire town full of people who had loved my Dad surrounding us and praying with us and loving us. I made friends that week that I will never ever lose...friends that love me and my family and pray for me and my family that I only met because of that terrible moment that I had to lose my dad.

Because of the loss of so many of my loved ones, I've had to face God and decide whether I would follow Him even through this. There were times even I wasn't sure which way I would go. God has truly been my support in so many ways while these tragedies changed me irrevocably. Even so my faith feels more solid than it has been in my entire life.

This year of grieving has been so precious. I've gotten to know my mom so much more deeply through all of this. I've been blessed to be the strong one sometimes and the weak one at others. I've been allowed to wrap my arms around my mommy and just cry. And I've been blessed to laugh with her until my sides hurt. This has made us better friends and sisters in Christ than we ever have been. And I am blessed each day by the bond.

This year of health problems has been interesting. I'm learning to live inside my limitations. I learning not to plan for tomorrow, but to do exactly what I can today. I'm learning to let the mess roll off my back. I'm learning to pull my kids close and just hold them even if I can't do anything else.

I've worried for years about not doing everything that people think that I should...I'm learning to just get over it. And I'm learning to say, "No, I don't think so" and "I can help you so long as you realize that sometimes I won't be able to help you and can live with that." and the hardest, "I know that you think I'm good at that...but I don't think it's a good idea right now".

I don't know, anymore, that I'll ever be up to snuff again. I pray that I will, but for the first time ever, I'm done FIGHTING and have started accepting. That's not to say that I'm ready to roll over and die...but the stress when I can't FIX it is leaving me finally. And honestly, I think it's good for me.

During this tough stuff, Bubba and I struggled. A LOT. But the Lord provided us a marriage conference that has opened up topics that BOTH of us have been stuffing for years. It has allowed a level of openness and honesty that we haven't had in a long time. And even more than that, God has given us both understanding and opened our hearts to grace and mercy for one another. We aren't out of the woods yet...but for the first time, in a long time, we are both trudging in the same direction.

Leaving our long time church back in March was one of the most difficult steps of this year...But God had an amazing plan for us. He had been preparing a different church for us. He had brought them to the area...He had established several of our long term friends IN the church...and He found them a BUILDING in February...just in time for our arrival. ;)

Within two weeks of being at the new church, we knew we were home. There was no uneasy search. The kids were comfortable immediately which was unlike our last church hunt. I think the most amazing part of it all for me was how much I hadn't realized what I'd needed, until God pulled us through those doors.

Through this new church, we have a community, unlike any we've ever experienced before. We have a small group of people who we meet with weekly who have made us one of the family in a way that has been missing in all of our church experiences. Missing church is the biggest disappointment of our week, and I have to say that has never been the case before. Through this group, we are making friends as a family and it is very sweet.

We also have a counselor that has been really helpful to Bubba and I. We didn't know, when we left our old church, that we would need a counselor...but God did.

As I look back on this year that I was forced to live without my Daddy...I realize that I am blessed. I would not have chosen this path...not for a million bucks!! And I wouldn't have WISHED this path on my worst enemy. But this path was chosen for me...and I followed it ONLY because the Lord held my hand the entire way...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


I always THOUGHT I believed that before...now I KNOW that I do.

See ya around...

On the Occasion of my 15th Anniversary...

On a wonderful blog that I've found called Malphi, I discovered a poem that SHOULD have been my acceptance of Bubba's proposal a little over 15 years ago...bless his heart.

Yes, I'll Marry You by Pam Ayres



Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.



Yes I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.



Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!



It's you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!



Happy 15 years, My Love...you've filled me with laughter and joy and love and a million other things that make me who I am and I will ever be grateful.

As for the rest of you...See ya around...