Seriously, I've written at least six beginnings and accidentally dumped two started posts.
I suppose I should begin by saying that we went to Scottish Rite again yesterday to have an MRI on Beanie's right hip. I should also say that at this moment we know absolutely nothing.
As I stare at this blank page, fingers poised over the keyboard, I find that I've forgotten what I've actually told you. I think of the audience for the blog as different people than the audience/community that is Facebook. I know that you are by and large the same people. I find myself writing on the blog for different reasons. I actually write here for my family mostly. It's funny, in a way, I write for my grandmothers, both deceased, who did read it. I know that for a long time I had a few friends that were just bloggy...I don't even know who I'm writing to anymore. Maybe you all know this already. I do know that I write HERE to find it again. This is the closest thing to a memoir that I may have.
Have I told you that I'm divorced? It's been two years and 5 months since anyone has called me a wife.
Have I told you that Bean is almost 16 now and pestering me to let her drive MOST every time we leave the house?
Have I told you that Bear is an incredible just-turned-twelve-year-old who still cracks me up most of the time and who has become such a great hair stylist/make up artist that I have to check her before I plan to leave anywhere so that she doesn't LOOK like a 24 year old...because she's 12, darnnit?
Have I told you about my baby, Monkeyface? Do you know that she is a fish tank owner and drawer of many things and is one of the best huggers on the entire planet?
Have I told you that I have a ten month old gigantic puppy that I've named Teddy the Wicked?
Have I told you that we are happy most days? Finally.
I don't know that it matters. But for the record, y'know, maybe understanding my viewpoint today might help me (us) to understand where I am should you be reading only the Legg Perthes posts.
So over the last few months Bean has been having some increasing trouble with her right hip. It started with a pretty awful locking incident when we were on a family trip to Arizona last July (2014). Then the girls went to Colorado with their daddy in October of 2014 and Beanie had quite a few problems that she "dealt with herself" because she's a teenage girl who WON'T bother her father. I wish she had because they hiked the WHOLE trip and she didn't tell him. He would have chosen differently had he known.
Sometime around Christmas, it was getting too much for her to handle alone.
After I knew what she had been dealing with, I called, got an appointment for the standard visit, X-Rays, conversation with our doctor etc. That was a couple of weeks ago. At that visit, the bones looked about the same, meaning that more than likely something has changed with the soft tissue. Perhaps a tear or some other damage. It is finally time to explore a surgical option to address the many issues of this hip.
I count March 7, 2007 as the beginning date of this disease for us. There was some stuff before that, but March 7, 2007 was when we had a diagnosis of Legg Perthes in the left hip. March 7, 2009 is when we had the diagnosis of Legg Perthes in the Right hip. She did a photo shoot back then in the very same room that we were in yesterday...same baby doll, same little pretend MRI.
Today is March 3, 2015...we are getting pretty close to 8 years of this. This is only the second time since that first diagnosis that we've been in a position to consider surgery. The first time we considered it was within the first few months of diagnosis. It was terrifying back then.
Now, to a certain degree, it's about time. Beanie at 15 is not the same person that Beanie at 7 was. She has grown into an incredible young woman. She always was, but chronic pain has shaped her differently than anyone that I have ever known.
Don't get me wrong, she's still a teenaged girl with all her silliness and crankiness. She still argues about things that are pointless.
But she is calm, and ready, and unafraid (mostly). Or, at the very least, knows how to stick her chin in the air and carry on...Oh, to be more like her. Maybe when I grow up. ;)
The MRI was yucky...and okay. They had to inject a contrast dye directly into the hip. They also injected her hip with pain killer and then a further steroid that should kick in in a day or two. BUT...the doctor (whose voice reminded both of us of Jane Lynch, so much so, I had to look at her face when she talked or I couldn't concentrate) told her that no matter how much pain reliever they give her, "bones don't like to be poked" and that it would be "uncomfortable". Beanie said that was the only part that really hurt.
Leg Perthes kids are BEASTS when it comes to pain. Seriously. If SHE says it hurts...it'd put the rest of us on the floor cryin like a little girl. I don't want to know what "REALLY hurts" feels like.
The only other part that was hard was being still. They were dealing with that Right hip, but she's also got that Left hip that doesn't like to be held completely still...and so that obnoxious thing, not to be ignored, "locked" up while she was laying there. When she told the tech, the tech said that she couldn't move it without starting over. Given the choice to move and begin again or be still...Beanie toughed it out.
BEAST, I tell you.
So that's where we are this morning. Waiting to see what's next. I'm struggling to let her deal with it all as an almost-woman-growed while still feeling very much like a momma-bear. I wish I could say that I was completely at peace with whatever may come...but let's be real, shall we?
If you are praying, and I hope you are, pray that we get the "good" answer. I don't know what that is, for me the one that causes the least pain and the quickest recovery...for her...she wants to be able to run...play softball...ride a horse...be a "normal" kid...so the one that FIXES that stuff. I'm not doing the research that I did originally. I just don't have it in me. Maybe I will once the options are all on the table, but for now, I'm riding the 8 year relationship we have with our doctor and the trust that my Lord, who has been with her from the very start, will lead us to the next place. I'm trusting He will give her the stamina to survive the pain and recover...and that He will provide the strength for me to be able to support her physically should she be non-ambulatory.
I'll keep you posted.
There is no good place for this in this post, but Bean and I had some time to ourselves yesterday so we decided goofing off with a song that we've been playing with for awhile would pass the time. Like I said, this is a remembering place...I want to be able to find it again, for me.
See ya around...