--- This was written during our time at the hotel. Normally I would back date it, and may in the future, but blogger has changed a few things and I can't seem to find the date. Possibly, I'll push the publish button and it will date it to the day I wrote it...but if not...before you read...Know this was written in October of 2012...the terrible month. ---
Well, part of our journey has been moving all the stuff we use on a daily basis into our hotel room.
Ha! That's actually kind of funny in retrospect. Seriously, right now, look around your house and pick 30 things that you use on a daily basis. There are some standard things that you just aren't going to forget...for instance...I wasn't going to forget a tea cup...school books (well most of them anyway)...my laptop. But there are these things...that you only sometimes use on a daily basis...my coat, for instance, that I didn't even MISS until last week when it dropped into the 40s at night...or various vitamins or medications that you only USE if someone gets sick or bit by a big old green bug and it leaves a huge welt and two puncture wounds on your child...but I digress...we've forgotten a few things. Thankfully, we live in civilization and so far there hasn't been anything forgotten that couldn't be replaced. But there have been a few, "Did you remembers?" and each one has caused varying degrees of inconvenience.
But after over a month, I have to say honestly that we haven't missed much...not in terms of stuff.
We have missed our freedom...our ability to run right out the door and visit friends...or to open the door and let the poor dog out (he is averse to pooping on a leash, poor thing). I've missed being able to have a phone conversation...and OH how I've missed being able to cook bigger things without setting off the smoke alarm...it's a freedom that I didn't even realize existed until this hotel.
I would like to say that missing all these things has helped us to grow new and wonderful skills. Sadly, not as many as I'd hoped. I fear we've watched a little too much T.V. and fallen back on electronics a little too much. I've been struggling for months with so many things, and I'm afraid that my imagination is shot. Where I used to see adventure, I often see drudgery. It's not a good direction, frankly.
But there have been some lessons learned here...the hard ones...the ones no one wants to have to learn.
I've learned that not every thought is worth unpacking. Seriously. We are collectively broken right now. And we have been for awhile. Sometimes we look pretty normal and we've always been good at smiling. But underneath it, there is a disillusionment in every one of us. The shocked, "Well, that's not what was supposed to happen" that overwhelms us often. The first week that the girls were back home to me was really difficult, because I hadn't come to this truth yet. And one thing I'm VERY good at is talking. And with every tear, or bit of anger...there came this big discussion. I've learned that sometimes just shutting up is the answer...sometimes the bubble has to burst and then, in a minute, everyone is ready to move on. I've also learned the MOST of the crazy emotions are lies. We are not ALWAYS going to be in a hotel. Our WHOLE life doesn't stink. We are not ALWAYS going to miss every event.
I've learned to sleep well here. But it took first learning to turn off the T.V. And then learning that just because I'd had a terrifying dream, I WAS okay and to purposefully think of something else. I also learned that when I couldn't shut off my mind, I needed to write. Write an email to a friend...Write a blog post I never intended to share...Write in my journal. I learned through many moments of waking thinking I was in my own home...that THIS is not that home...THIS will never be that home...I will NEVER have that home again. And I had to cry...and be angry...and plead with God. And then, finally, I had to realize that home is NOT a building or a bed...it's a heart and it's the family...and while my heart was a little shredded...these girls...my mommy...me...WE are home...no matter where we are...what we eat...how we sleep...We are home. And all of a sudden, I got it, and that was enough and I could sleep. I've slept better in the last 3 weeks in this hotel than I'd slept in the last 7-8 years.
See ya around...