The Journey

Ain't that the truth?  The first step is a doozy.  The one where you decide, maybe not exactly where you are going, but who you will choose to be as you get there.  I've been quiet here because I've had a lot trouble knowing who I am anymore and it's been difficult to cobble together words that make sense to people who are not looking straight into my eyes...straight into my heart.

After much deliberation, we have decided to homeschool again this year.

So much of this journey is inside me.  Am I the right person to continue forward on this path?  Do I even want to move forward?  I thought I was one of the strong ones, the funny ones.  The girl who had moved all over the country, left and lost friends and loved ones over her life and still managed to chin up and find the adventure.  Where on earth did my "Pollyanna" go?

Apparently, I have a pretty dark side.  I didn't know.  Over the months since the divorce, I've done a lot of living and a lot of what I consider NON-living.  Others who have been through this know what I mean.  NON-living - that considerable amount of time spent NOT doing the normal things that you know how to do, know that you SHOULD do, while you sit and think, ponder and distract yourself, waiting to find out if, in fact, you want to go out and live THIS life again. 

I have an impressive ability to do absolutely nothing.  Truly, it's a gift.

Along the way I have been amazed by the wisdom surrounding me.  People have been exactly where I needed them to be, exactly when I needed them to be.  Strangely, the when hasn't always been when I WANTED them, but always when I needed them.  And the baffling part is that there has not been one person who has been shocked by the absolutely visceral things I've said.

I wish I could say that I have arrived...I have enough people out there who know the truth that I'll just stick with the facts.  Things are looking up.  They actually have been for awhile, but I wasn't ready to write yet.  All of a sudden, in the last few weeks really, I'm ready to write again.  It's kind of nice and not completely unlike coming out of a darkened cave during the day...as you go from dark to dim to shade and on out into the sunshine.  I so wish that I could trust the path, but I'm really not there yet.  I still very much doubt my competence on this journey; my already honed capabilities and my readiness to learn often falter.  For the first time in my life, I often completely doubt my potential...and what I REALLY want to be when I grow up.

But, here I go anyway...No net...

It brings to mind a few lyrics from a song from Hello Dolly,

"Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to...If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you...
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?  

I'll march my band out...I'll beat my drum...and if I'm fanned out...your turn at bat, sir...
at least I didn't fake it...Hat, sir...I guess I didn't make it...

But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection...or freckle on the nose of life's complexion...
the cinder or the shiny apple of his eye...
I've gotta fly once, I've gotta try once, only can die once, right sir? 
Ooo life is juicy, juicy and you see, I've gotta have my bite, sir..."

I've felt this before in my life, this iron-jawed decision making where there is no absolutely sure answer...but, as always, it's with a large amount of internal cowering.  If I am who I say I am, I have to step out in faith...Faith that the Lord will meet me, as He always has, every single place I need Him, every single time. I just need to take that first step.

See ya around...