My Barbaric Yawp

Disclaimer...1.) I am not a doctor nor do I play one on television...
2.) I'm quoting others and there is some language you may find offensive...
3.)To be very clear, I have NEVER, not even once
considered ending my life...EVER...
this is only one girl's perspective.

They announced the death of Robin Williams yesterday...not just the death...the apparent suicide.  The funniest man on earth, the one who we quoted with varying degrees of accuracy in the tone and voice...he is no longer sharing our planet...breathing our air.

 "Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo
that bow and get to know you." Mrs. Doubtfire

 

Oh my goodness, he could make me laugh...

 

 Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them?
Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting.
I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.... Mrs. Doubtfire

So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired,
he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented
for one reason, boys - to woo women -
and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do... Dead Poet's Society

 

 

The wisdom of the lines that were crafted for him to deliver as well as the ones that he improvised were often rough...and well thought out...and SO OFTEN made me view my very small world differently...

 

My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. Used to come home hammered,
looking to whale on someone. So I had to provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my
mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings...
...Good Will Hunting  

 

You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense:
this girl you've met, she's not perfect either.
But the question is whether or not
you're perfect for each other...Good Will Hunting

 

 

No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some
girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over
and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't
regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't
regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret
missin' the damn game. ...Good Will Hunting

Sometimes, in the middle of a dark time in my life these lines, crafted by faceless others, would repeat in my head, giving me something to focus on...

It's not your fault...It's not your fault...It's not your fault...Good Will Hunting.

As I was reading through the many many posts about this man that we, as a collective, will miss terribly, it seemed there was one point of view that was missing.  That of a person struggling with depression right now.  I thought I'd take a minute and be that voice, imperfect, maybe, but hopefully helping with understanding.

See, I struggle with depression AND I am the funny one.  I spent a very long time in a very toxic marriage and nobody knew because I was very careful to keep my depression away from people.  I didn't want to be a complainer.  I was sure that everything was my own fault and if I could JUST be better, do better, be smarter, prettier, more capable, I could fix it.  I didn't want to worry anyone.  Besides, I was really good at seeing the world in a funny way, and laughing about it.

When it all came out that the marriage was over, I had a very dear friend look me right in the eye and say, "Uh, congratulations on your performance, I NEVER knew."

I also lived with a man who was terribly depressed.  Horribly, frighteningly, increasingly depressed.  I couldn't help.  Every time that I tried, he pulled back harder and harder.  He couldn't help himself and he couldn't allow anyone else to help either.

You know the part that hurt the most?  After sleeping beside him for almost 20 years, I never got to understand WHY.  But, he was a great laugher.  Honestly, even this moment, I can remember that look in his eye that said he had thought of something very funny, and probably completely inappropriate, but very funny.

I spent time with my mommy after Daddy died.  Weirdly enough, she got MUCH worse, much less willing to talk about it, just as we all thought she was getting better.  I watched her struggle every single day...and laugh.  I watched her laugh anyway.

I don't know what Robin Williams was going through, but one thread that I've noticed whenever suicide is talked about.  You always hear someone say, "He had EVERYTHING to live for", and along the similar line, "if only he'd asked for help, we could have worked out anything."

Can I tell you something?  I have EVERYTHING to live for.  EVERYTHING.  I have three amazing kids, I have an adorable puppy, I have a mom and step dad and brother and brother-in-law that LOVE me.  I have a great relationship with my many amazing extended family. I have friends who will NEVER let me go.  Friends who make me laugh and challenge my mind and my ideas so that I am forced to grow.  And one friend who tells me how incredibly beautiful I am every single time I need to hear it.  I have enough.  Enough money, house, car, food.

When I sit alone I can not think of even one thing that I MUST have to make me happy.  There are things that would be nice...but HAVE TO HAVE?  Nope.

Still, I've had days that I've thought that it would be just great never to wake up again.  Never to have to live inside this body, inside the disappointments that we all have in our lives.  To not have to face responsibilities that I don't necessarily feel capable of completing.   

Some days are just bad.  REALLY bad.

I don't talk much on those days.  To anyone.  I don't answer the phone...I don't go out of the house...and those people that love me, usually only know after the fact.

 

There is another line of thought that is pretty prevalent out there..."He made a choice."

Oh how short sighted and judgmental we can sound when we've never ever walked a road.

 

Yes, indeed, he made a choice. 

 

The thing is, when I'm having a "bad day", there are NO choices that I can see.  NONE.  On those days, I am afraid of every choice.  Every train of thought makes me cry or mad...or at BEST, contemplative.  All that I want to do is make it stop.  I sit and watch TV, or I sleep.  Or I write pages of completely un-redemptive crap...very descriptive un-redemptive crap.  And I wait for it to pass.  I wait until I can see something that makes me laugh.  I wait until I can help somebody else or until somebody calls.  Given time, somebody always calls. 

 

I am NOT addicted to drugs or alcohol...and I haven't struggled with a life time of bi-polar disorder and the drugs meant to help that go along with it. And yet, I still have days where the biggest choice I am capable of making is whether or not to watch "Call the Midwife" or "Grey's Anatomy" to deaden my screaming brain...and on those bad days I really do think that it has always been this way and always WILL BE this way.  My intellect knows that it hasn't and won't, but on bad days, it's not my intellect that is running the show. The bad days, it's my emotions that are haywire and I CAN'T make them stop, no matter that someone thinks I should be able to.  (ick, ended that in a preposition...blech...gonna leave it anyway...I did say this would be imperfect.)

 

I can understand how Robin Williams might have had a terribly bad day...maybe a string of bad days so long that he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt normal.  I can understand how he could feel that he could not take even one more minute of this, whatever it was, that was torturing him.  

 

 Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment
in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?  ... Mrs. Doubtfire

I wish that he would have waited for someone to call.  I wish he would have been distracted from the task just long enough to realize the craziness of putting his kids and family through this kind of pain, so that he could find the space to make a different choice.

But I am NOT going to be one of the crowd that blames him for his death.  I'm not going to say, "if only" even once.  Because he had a situation...a bad day...and he was as incapable of "fixing" it himself as if he'd gone down in an airplane.  There, but for the grace of God, go I.

I am praying for his family...praying for the people in his life who knew him well enough to touch him and had the intimacy with him to look into his eyes and laugh.  I'm praying that they don't blame themselves in any way, praying that they don't blame him.

For the rest of us, I'm praying that we remember that this life, like EVERY life, was amazing, and hard, and hilarious, and precious.

 

Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful
play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play
*goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be? ... Dead Poet's Society 

I pray that we all fight the darkness that is depression.  Fight it when our own demons come to dance on our heads.  Fight it when we know that people we love are hurting and struggling.  I pray we remember the truth of our worth in this world.  Worth that is not measured by things we have done, but by the Lord who made us, who gave us each skills and talents and tasks to do that are priceless.  I pray we call and remind each other what we mean to each other.  Every time.  As often and obnoxiously as possible.  It's not a program that is going to fix this...it's people caring and praying and calling and talking and laughing...and not stopping even when you're afraid you are going to bug someone...maybe ESPECIALLY when you are afraid that you are going to bug someone...

That's what I bring to the party...my verse if you will...so I guess for this moment...

I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP OVER
THE ROOFTOPS OF THE WORLD
...Dead Poet's Society

Mr. Williams, you will be missed...but I will always be blessed by YOUR contribution to the world and my life.

As for the rest of you?  See ya around...