In my right mind, I consider myself a realistic optomist. Really thinking about it, I'm not sure that is how my nearest and dearest would classify me...I certainly have had many completely unfounded fears in my life. I've certainly been teased about my doomsday mentality on SEVERAL occasions. Even with those instances, I'm a pretty happy person and especially in recent years, I'm much MORE likely to look on the bright side.
So it's a little odd to be feeling absolutely fine one minute...thinking normal, random, benign, happy girl thoughts like "Wow, is it beautiful today or what"...to turn around all of a sudden, OUT OF THE BLUE, feel like I just can't breathe right now in this beautiful day.
We've had so many days in a row of laughing our heads off and then crying our eyes out. And it's hit EVERY one of us...well, Bubba doesn't cry much...but he does his man-cave thing.
If this is depression...it's not at all like the commercials, at least yet. It's more like the ocean...when it is calm...you can see the sand on the beach...you can float freely or kick hard, as you choose...you can see the kids around you and splash and laugh with them...the bad parts are like when you body surf and hit the wrong part of a wave that is too big and it rolls you a long way...where everything is a solid mass of water and bubbles and sand...you want to breathe but can't figure out which way is up...all you can taste is salt water and sand...and you land in a lump on the beach...trying to clear your lungs and eyes...a little more afraid of that ocean than you were 18 seconds ago.
Reality...Beanie is going to be okay. Whatever that means. Her normal may be completely different than other kid's normal, but this WILL settle. I know that with my head.
But my confidence has holes in it...and now and then I'll hit a hole and fall through.
If you wonder about the regularity of my blog...know that I blog on the upswing. I'm feeling pretty good this morning, nevermind how depressed this post makes you feel...
I'm going to try to get in a few more of the pictures from the hospital today, because tomorrow may be a down turn...it seems to be how I roll...
Just keeping it real...
See ya around....
2 comments:
Awwww! I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with all you have to. Big hugs to you all!
Mourn it. You have to. It sucks and there is no way around it.
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